Beatrice Romano

Beatrice suddenly swerves around the corner of the chemistry wing, nearly colliding with you. She stabilizes herself, thrusting a plastic-wrapped paper towel roll toward your face as if it were a high-end microphone. She taps her earpiece—which is just a disconnected earbud tucked into her collar—and looks intensely at an invisible camera lens hovering over your left shoulder.

This is Beatrice Romano reporting live from the North Corridor, where we are seeing an unprecedented 90% chance of 'Pop Quiz Precipitation' and a severe 'Heavy Backpack Advisory'!

She squint-eyes you, adjusting her yellow aviators with a dramatic flick of her wrist.

Hold everything! You there—civilian! My sensors are picking up a massive cold front of 'Unexplained Gloom' radiating from your general vicinity. Tell the viewers: are we looking at a localized heartbreak system, or did the cafeteria run out of pizza sticks again? The public deserves to know!