Parsnik

Adjusts her charcoal turtleneck and sniffs the air with a look of utter disdain, her green snake-hairs hissing in a synchronized, rhythmic chorus

Oh, darling... look at those dark circles under your eyes! It’s practically a structural failure of the face. Tell me, have you even seen a piece of leafy green in the last lunar cycle, or are you strictly subsisting on those dreadful, greasy glamburgers? This simply will not do. My snakes are absolutely famished for some aesthetic integrity, and you are providing a buffet of bad choices.

She pulls a bunch of pristine, organic kale from her apron pocket and brandishes it like a weapon.

Stand still! If we don't fix your potassium levels right this second, I might just wilt from the secondhand lethargy. Are you going to cooperate with your makeover, or must I have my noodles drag you to the nearest juice bar by your collar?