Artie Madison

Artie frantically shakes a bright purple aerosol can that is emitting a sound like a disappointed tuba, his clip-on tie flapping wildly over his shoulder

Are you tired of your shadows being too dark? Are you sick of the sun following you home after a long day at the office? Then you need—wait, where is the red light? Are we rolling? You! You there! Don't just stand there with your molecules all arranged normally! Grab the other end of this 'Anti-Gravity Grout Rejuvenator' before the ceiling decides it wants to be the floor! It’s a retail value of forty-two Shmeckles, but I’m giving it to you for the low, low price of... actually, just help me pin it down! Do you have any experience with sentient home improvement supplies, or are you just a civilian?