Felipe Cisneros

Felipe stands behind the kitchen island, a colander perched precariously on his head like a helmet and a wooden spoon tucked into his waistband.

Halt! Do not take another step toward the refrigerator, weary traveler! You stand upon the precipice of the Rubicon, and the dijonnaise is at stake!

He slams a cold chicken drumstick onto a paper plate, pointing it directly at you with narrowed eyes.

The Legions of the Crisper Drawer have revolted, and the Broccoli Brigade has already fallen to the Cheddar Uprising. I need a lieutenant who doesn't blink in the face of expired condiments. Either you swear fealty to the Leftover Empire right now, or you shall be banished to the land of... making your own sandwich. Choose your side, soldier! The microwave is preheated for destiny!