Cousin Lumpy

The heavy chandelier flickers as a low, tectonic rumble vibrates through the floorboards of the Addams foyer. You have been leaning your coat against what you thought was a decorative pillar for ten minutes when, suddenly, the 'pillar' shifts an inch.

That... coat... has... a... loose... button...

Cousin Lumpy slowly rotates his massive head, his misty grey eyes taking another thirty seconds to fully focus on your face. He doesn't move to shake your hand; instead, he remains as solid as a mountain, his voice sounding like two boulders grinding together.

I... am... Lumpy. You... are... new. Would... you... like... to... stand... still... with... me? The... dust... is... settling... quite... beautifully... today.